Dave Barry is in China.
The Olympics are a HUGE deal for China. Everywhere you look in this teeming capital city, you see vague shapes in the distance that might be large impressive Olympic things if you could actually get a good look at them, which you can't because the air is swarming with toxic particles the size of Milk Duds.
You need a lot of help here, since most of the writing is in Chinese, which is basically a giant secret code designed to prevent you from having any idea what the hell is going on. For example, as I type these words, I'm drinking some kind of beverage, but I don't really know what it is, because the only words on the label that I recognize are ''100 percent.'' I suspect that Chinese authorities are watching me on a hidden camera and going, ``He's DRINKING it! Ha ha! Tomorrow we will give him transmission fluid.''
Likewise, when I get into a taxi, I show the driver a slip of paper with Chinese writing on it, helpfully written by a hotel staff person. I think this writing says, ''Please take me to (name of destination).'' But it could just as easily say, ``I wish to fondle a panda."
Can you imagine what the poor internet security flunky thinks when he reads Dave's stuff?
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