Katy Guest has discovered what has been holding back mankind.
Last week it emerged that humanity is clearly going to hell in a handcart because we are all too busy obsessing about sex. If it were not for furtive bunk-ups, one-handed texting and guilty daydreaming during meetings, man would have invented the teleporter by now.
The first intimation that all this filthy onanism is coming between the human race and the realisation of its true potential came from Clara Meadmore, a 105-year-old virgin who lives in Cornwall. Ms Meadmore confirms that she owes her longevity largely to her rejection of All That Nonsense.