Dave Barry asks a basic question.
Why do we give gifts during the holiday season?
We do it for a reason that is as timeless as humanity itself: women. Women have an overpowering biological need to mark pretty much every occasion, including sunset, by wrapping a gift and giving it to somebody, along with a card.Why do women do this? We put that question to some leading psychologists, who responded: ``We think maybe they're insane.'' We would not go as far as leading psychologists.
On the other hand.....
A man buys a gift only when he sees a clear and present need, such as he remembers that his wedding anniversary was last week. Otherwise, when a man is in a store, he is looking for practical items.
This creates an imbalance of gifts. Is there something a man can do to counter this?
There is, and it's right here in your hands: the annual Holiday Gift Guide. This is a list of items that are so unusual that if you give one to your wife, her reaction will be: ''Thank God he did not get me any more.'' And this effect is not limited to your wife: whomever you give a Holiday Gift Guide item to, that person will never want to exchange gifts with you again.
DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE (each item is a link to a description)
Lottery Mate Multi-Purpose Scratch-Off Apparatus
Head Spa Massager
Talking Fly Swatter
Razorba 'War Hammer' Back Razor
Disaster Preparedness Activity Books
Gun-Shaped Egg Fryer
Zombie Yard Sculpture
'Firm Grip' Brand Butt Glue
Hug Me Pillow
Wearable Sleeping Bag
Gassy Gus Flatulence Game