Jeremy Clarkson has advice for parents who, like him, attend their child's sporting events (in this case, rugby).
First, parents must remember that they are an embarrassment to their children..So here’s a tip when on the touchline. Be normal. If your child’s team scores a try, you may applaud but do not - and this is something I witnessed just two hours ago - run onto the pitch, bellowing like a wounded animal, with a red face, a jugular vein standing 6in proud of your neck and your arms held aloft like a triumphant boxer.
Also, no matter how knowledgeable you might be about the sport you’re watching, do not feel free at any point to offer loud and hectoring advice. This will make everyone on the team want to kick you in the head and, since it’s against school rules to attack visiting fathers, they will simply wait until they are in the showers after the game and kick your child instead.
Furthermore, offering helpful hints at the top of your voice will irritate the ref, who may at some point come over and ask you to be quiet. This - and I’ve seen it happen twice - can end in a fight. And no one wants to see the divisional manager for a supermarket chain rolling around in the mud trying to punch his son’s history teacher in the face.